Nobody Reads This

A Michael Bay Destruction.

Kek. Just kidding! I will admit now, I wasn’t huge on Tranformers as a child so I was pretty apathetic about this particular piece of Cinema. I do however carry a torch for the Preservation of Classic Media, so my expectations were pretty low.

I’ll categorise my critique to make it easier to scan through.

Script – 2/10

This was probably the single worst Blockbuster Script I’ve heard in quite some time. It’s a shame really, because they did a semi-respectably job of the casting. But a bad script can tarnish the work of even the best actor.

It was tacky, clichéd and had literally no substance. A Good two thirds of the lines could’ve been taken from any other generic title. Although due credit has to be given, because it was genuinely funny when it wanted to be. The President has one line … and he asks for a Ho-Ho.

Characters - 4/10

Referring exclusively to the Humans, we’ll come to the Transformers later. I thought the casting in places was awesome and it really showed in the characters. The Secretary of Defense (Jon Voit) was extremely well played as I’ve come to expect from him. Josh Duhamel is also a personal favourite and did very well untill some complete dickwad wrote in a retarded motorcycle slide for him.

 Seriously, however did that – Get the hell away from Hollywood.

However, I must say that it pretty much ended there. Most of the characters were 2D, pointless and totally cliché rubbish! Seriously, they wasted so much precious time building up “Sam” and his tart and completely neglected almost all of the Transformers. Wtb Time Management.

Tranformers – 6/10

Well, I’ll just get it out of the way and say I don’t like the new updates they gave them. The Flame Stickers … the Tarty Poser Cars … It was a complete wreck. But they were very much the Transformers we knew and were pretty epic when it counted.

The problem is … For the first hour or so, we only saw one Autobot and One decepticon. They weren’t even Optimus and Megatron … And even when we met the rest of the Autobots, their time on screen was reduced to silly plot motion and just driving around.

The Decepticons were even worse! Besides the first one, we didn’t see the others untill really late into the movie. There was no background for any of them … No explanation of how and why they ended up on Earth fine when Megatron didn’t

They were just faceless automatons apparently with a Grudge against us. Fair ’nuff.

One other little annoyance … The Little Infiltrator Robots;
-  They made stupid sounds
- They were apparently invisible, because nobody ever seemed to spot them when they were 1yd away making all that noise and flashing their lights. Completely. Retarded.

Oh and one footnote, the changes Bay made turning them into MTV Friendly Pimpmobiles made them all look identical in Humanoid mode. When two robots got into grapples, they just became a mesh of metal rather than two fighting robots.

Special FX - 7/10

Decent enough, we can’t blame the Design crew for the horrible stuff they had to work with, but I couldn’t help but feel that it was a bit scrappy in places.

Their Pyrotechnics was considerably better, and I nearly wet myself when the A-10 strike came in with the Spectre Gunship following. That scene alone is worth 5/10 >_>

Summary

Anywho, I don’t have alot more to say than that. It was a decent enough movie, entertaining in its own way – But a Complete bastardisation of Transformers.

Sure, some scenes were just epic fighting – but most were complete drivel – and often entirely irrelevant.

An average of the above scores only gives about … 4~/10 but I feel its worth more than that because it was quite alot of fun to watch.

Score:   7/10

Fun, but that seems to be all Michael Bay is good for. Some things are best left untouched.